Love is great. Love is powerful. Love does that magic trick when you are totally healed, like the broken parts of yourself were never there. Love is supposed to make everything feel right, like a catharsis and, if not, there must be something wrong – with you, with your partner or with the relationship itself. Because we were taught from a very young age that this force is greater than us and will solve every single one of our problems – you don’t seem to hear songs or watch movies about how it almost makes everything right. For me, growing up with this type of expectations that it is meant to mend you and bring that happy happy joy joy back on you was kinda destructive. Add to this some anxiety and OCD thoughts and you can predict the perfect disaster. Just that he is still here and I am still here and we make it work, every single day.
I can’t remember the first time my thoughts were an irrational mess running through my mind like they were at the most important race in history, but I can now identify my what ifs very clearly. I still remember that one moment, at the start of our relationship, when I was really terrified that something will go wrong. I had no idea what, but something. I know, a little suspicion is healthy, but questioning your actions non stop definitely is not.
As time went by, I had those awful thoughts more often and that somehow led to fights I created just to show myself that something must be wrong. Am I worthy of his love? Do I really, truly love him? What If – insert infinite amount of scary scenarios. Some days were really hard, because it was a battle between emotions and my brain who didn’t let me to enjoy my relationship. You know, like searching for validation that things were okay between us from every close friend or relative I had, stuff like that. Okay, some mental breakdowns, a visit to my therapist, some great memories and almost two years later, I still have this wonderful man by my side.
We can talk about absolutely everything, the stupid, embarrassing and most intimate stuff – without me feeling uncomfortable or judged. And because we have that type of intimacy maybe I’m scared I’ll lose it. I mean, imagine that everything goes just fine, but somehow you manage to worry a lot about every single detail and feel like a crazy kid who doesn’t deserve to be loved.
Research is another thing that helped me. Finding that other people also went through this rough experience and managed to get over it offered me some assurance. You worry because you care, normal people don’t have this kind of thoughts when they are not emotionally involved. The simple fact that you question yourself underlines the fact that you deeply care.
They say that when love is good and fulfilling it is natural to somehow feel your hidden trauma because it is a proper way to heal. Also, you might project it in the present. And that, for me, makes a lot of sense. Some book that really helped me are “The Five Languages Of Love” by Garry Chapman and “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” by Dr. John Gray and I recommend them to all in need of clarification or some words of wisdom regarding relationships.
The fear of losing this is bigger than me sometimes. Most of the time, actually. But I know I am blessed to live this wonderful love and I can make the best of it. And I can make it last, step by step. Love is stronger than fear.
Our mind likes to play tricks on us – especially when it comes to love. Maybe the key is to understand that and don’t blame it on yourself. I am still trying to figure it out, but things get better.